Comedy Advisory Alert: I’m an agilist, perhaps not a good one, but agile methods still represent to me the best way forward in doing what we’re paid to do – solve problems using software as best we can. This post is inspired by the odd juxtaposition of comparing what we talk about in our day jobs as if there were like ‘real life’, as in what if the rest of the world tried to pull off what we do and say.

Merry Xmas everyone…

(Doorbell)

MAN

Ah, Agile Plumbers? Do come in, and thanks for coming so quickly – an emergency really, it’s a real mess in here.

PLUMBER 1

That’s no problem sir, we’re agile after all. Let me introduce to my two colleagues before I begin my initial presentation.

MAN

Presentation? Uh, do we have time – there’s water everywhere and..

PLUMBER 1

..we must insist sir. We want to ensure your involved as part of the business solution dynamic exploratory sessions. You’re our champion sponsor so to speak, our in-team consultant! Do you have a whiteboard we can use?

MAN

I don’t understand, surely this isn’t that complicated is it? Shall I show you where the water main comes into the house, I think it’s over here…

PLUMBER 2

Is there somewhere I can get undressed sir?

MAN

What?

PLUMBER 2

I need to sit in your bath – I’ll need soap and towels too. We operate in a Test Driven environment, Red, Green, Red. We’re behavior driven you see…

MAN

Why on earth would you need to that? There’s water flooding down the stairs, pipes are cracked, the toilet is backed up – can we please just make a start?

PLUMBER 3

That’s great feedback – thanks! Would you mind filling out these 3x5 cards – I’m especially interested in just the nouns at this point. Let’s iterate first on that flooding bit you just said…

PLUMBER 1

Let’s slow down a bit, the Domain Model can wait a little, let’s park that idea for now – we should write up the business needs some more, explore the motivations. Would you say all of these features are ‘business critical’ sir? Could you force rank the toilet? If you had $100 dollars…

MAN

Is this a joke? Look, if you guys can’t do this then..

PLUMBER 2

I’ll get the wrench then.

MAN

Good, at last! Hang on, you’ve just got one wrench between you all?

PLUMBER 1

No, of course not sir! I’m just here for the initial presentation, I’ll be leaving soon. I’ll still be very interested in the project’s progress though! I’ll phone in for tomorrow’s stand-up.

PLUMBER 2

Plus, to be clear sir, the two of us do share the wrench – we’re Pair Plumbers…

PLUMBER 3

..It’s more productive you see – we take it in turns to use the wrench. Keeps the quality high and provides us motivation to continue!

MAN

I don’t understand – you’ve done this before haven’t you? Isn’t the $500 call out fee enough motivation?

PLUMBER 1

You need to think big picture sir – consider this our journey together as solution partners. It’s very exciting! I’m super excited!

PLUMBER 2

Oh No. Look at this. Are these copper pipes? How many people live here sir?

MAN

What? The house is only five years old. It’s just my wife and I, but what’s…

PLUMBER 3

Hmmm. As I feared – it simply won’t scale! Oh dear. These are all legacy pipes, it’ll have to be all refactored out. These old things won’t fit with our new wrench too. This is looking NP- hard, as in No Plumbing…

PLUMBER 2

Ooo, we could use that new water tanking style system they have at the airport. There’s more work to do on the Big O ring performance profile but that would scale up to thousands of people here! I’d like to spike a NOSPIGOT storage iteration…

MAN

But..What?

PLUMBER 1

Perhaps we could feature you in a case study sir? We could really innovate here I feel. Let’s play a scheduling game while we let the guys brainstorm some patterns. What’s the simplest thing that could possibly work – do you have a bucket?

MAN

That’s it – I want you all out! This is ridiculous – you’ve obviously got no idea what you’re doing. Out!

PLUMBER 1

Sir, I’m beginning to suspect you don’t have a Facebook Social Platform Strategy for this solution at all?